Monday, August 10, 2015

My Wine Strips

See these? These are wine taste testers.

Remember those mouthwash strips we all thought were cool about a decade ago? Remember how we'd use them and lick the roof of our mouths like cows chewing their cud?

Yeah. That was sexy. Totally worth freshening our breath.

Well, the other day when I was walking down my wine aisle I found the same breath strips. Only they don't freshen your breath. They are WINE STRIPS!

Well damn. I am always up for a way to try something new. So I started to empty the machines of samples...or I would have if they had any alcohol in them.

That's right. These strips are all the taste of alcohol, all the sexy cud-chewing hottness of those mouthwash strips, and completely alcohol free. I can't pronounce most of the ingredient list in this, but one of them is Caster Oil. Does this count as food?

Disappointing. But I still grabbed one of each sample so I can share the experience with you all.

Let's start with the chardonnay.

Not gonna lie. The strip feels like plastic. I am going to make plastic dissolve on my tongue. At least it's not going to a landfill. It would probably dissolve anyway, but I'm rambling because I don't think this is going to be pleasant.

Okay. It's on my tongue. WHY DOES IT BURN?!?!? Okay. It's melting. Aaaaannnnd it's on the roof of my mouth. It won't come off the roof of my mouth.

Vaguely sweet. But it tastes more like I'm drinking wine out of a horrible plastic cup. And I might have microwaved the cup so that the cup melted and I'm drinking the wine through a hole in the bottom and possibly ingesting melted plastic in the process.

Verdict. That was weird.

Time for the white zinfandel. 

It looks like a band-aid. Band-aids aren't tasty. When I peel it off, it looks like a face is in the crystals on the strip. My guardian angel is telling me this is not going to taste good either.

Hmmm. This one isn't as bad. It tastes like a fruit rollup that went past its expiration date. Or maybe like licking the plastic a fruit rollup comes on. Wait. It's already gone? That one dissolved fast.

Every time I inhale now I get booze aftertaste. This is making me want real wine. Points to the marketing team. But I also want fruit rollups.

Last but not least, the Cabernet Sauvignon. I have high hopes for this one. I like red wine.

This one has spots in it. Hopefully those dissolve well. I wonder if I'll have spots on my tongue.

High hopes were too high. This tastes like medicine. It tastes like really strong medicine that your mom swore was grape flavored, but all it tasted like was Satan burned your yummy grape Popsicle and killed all the hopes and dreams of anything tasting good ever.

Of course this one is hanging around. The other two faded quick, but Nooooooo, Satan's grape strip is a living thing inside my mouth.

Blerg. It's in the back of my throat. Every time I inhale it's like I'm breathing in air with burned grape plastic mesh that hits my taste buds and electrocutes them.

I need something...

Hold on. Alcohol should clear the taste.

Bottom's up, y'all. :D

Did you ever find anything that was so strange you had to try it? Had anything in strip form that really should never appear in strip form?

I'm prepping for the release of Three's a Clan. I can safely say, I won't be buying this stuff as my celebratory wine.

To find Roxy's books with buy links and what she has coming up next check out her website at


  1. LOLz, yeah. Wine belongs in a glass, not a plastic strip.

    1. I learned this the hard way, Steve. Hubs was laughing at all the faces I was making during this process. I'm still on the lookout for that wine ice cream though!