Okay...my name is Roxy Mews and I am a smartass.
*waits for gasps of shock to die down*
Here's the thing...not everyone appreciates this. Part of the reason I enjoy poking at people is my long career in the retail field. I have worked in retail from all levels. I was an entry-level employee, and I was a General Manager. I liked the entry-level a lot better.
I have worked with food, clothes, and pet supplies. People do not have a sense of humor when they go shopping.
If you have never worked in retail...appreciate those people who put back all the things you leave in the wrong aisle, and all the things your kids turn into new building projects. If you have worked in retail, you feel my pain at being part of this environment for eighteen years.
So after the thirtieth person in a day tells me that they just made the hundred dollar bill that I am required to check with a counterfeit pen, I have to admit, I get a little bored.
So here are alternative sayings to use when shopping. :D
Common: "No thanks, I'm just looking."
FUN: "I hid my leprechaun's gold somewhere in the socks, but I can't remember where. If you help me find it, I'll share my lucky charms!"
Common: "There's no price? It must be free!" (*sigh*)
FUN: "I know there's no tag on this one. It's been cursed by a witch. You just need to light a gold candle and dance naked around it for the barcode to appear. Do you want to start, or should I?"
Common: "No, I don't want a rewards card, nothing I buy is ever on sale."
FUN: "Sales are for the weak. I am an ancient being who feeds on items that are full price."
Now fun things for the retail workers to say.
Common: "Can I help you find anything?"
FUN: "I know you! Your my Aunt Enda's, daughter's, niece's, step-nephew's doctor's patient, right? How can I help you?"
Common: "I'm fine, and you?"
FUN: "Livin' the dream, don't wake me or I'll scream. Not really. I have a phobia of coupons, and this is exposure therapy. But how's your day?"
Common: "Attention shoppers, our store closes in just fifteen minutes. Please make your final selections."
FUN: "The aliens are attacking! Drop the dog food and gather whatever you can find for weapons! Aliens are terrified of squeakers and catnip. Arm yourselves!"
Like I said...I may have gotten into a bit of trouble from time to time. I may or may not have clipped dog leashes to my fellow employee's belt loops and had him pull me around the store yelling "MUSH!" And no one can prove who really tossed the tennis balls into the rafters.
Now as a responsible adult *looks to the sky to avoid lightning strikes* I need an outlet for my snark. I found that in writing. My characters tend to get naked and do it with an attitude. Check out the first voice in my head that shouted loud enough that readers got to hear her.
Amber's book is below. You know you want to click her. Go ahead. She likes it.
Love's a Witch: Hart Clan Hybrids Book 2 will be out mid-2014 through Samhain Publishing. Keep an eye on this blog and Samhain Publishing's Coming Soon page for the latest updates.
What do you do at your job that keeps you sane? Have you played any office pranks that have lived on in infamy? Will you now wonder what your cashier is really thinking?
Discuss below. Puns welcome. Snark honored.